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In Which We Explain The Tooth Fairy (Or Try To, Anyway)


Kid: So she comes into my room?

Me: Yes, but while you’re sleeping. You won’t even know she’s there.

Kid: And she takes my tooth?

Me: And she gives you money for it!

Kid (eyes welling with tears) : She pulls my tooth out of my mouth?!

Me: Oh, no! Your tooth will have already fallen out! On its own! You’ll put it under your pillow. This won’t happen for a few years. Your teeth will get loose and eventually fall out.

Kid: All my teeth are gonna fall out?!?!?

Me (to husband, under my breath) : This is going south fast. Help me out, willya?

Husband: Oh, sweetheart, there’s nothing to worry about. When you get a little older, your teeth will naturally loosen to make way for your adult teeth! And each time you lose a tooth, you put it under your pillow and the tooth fairy comes and gives you a coin for it that you can put in your piggy bank!

Kid: What if I wake up and see her?

Me (to hubby): This is a very good question.

Husband: She disappears immediately! Poof! She’s a fairy who collects teeth and if the kids wake up, she ceases to exist.

(Pause. We all blink.)

Kid: What color dress does she wear?

Me: Uh, green?

Husband: Whatever color you want, sweetheart. The tooth fairy is a manifestation–

Me: Nope.

Husband: –of your imagination!

Me: Good lord. You are not helping.

Kid: So…the tooth fairy is a man?

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